I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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