Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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