she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i've created a new STD.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
