the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
