rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
