You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
