if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
