im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
