His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
