He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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