Well apparently he's into motor boating.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
