I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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