I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
