IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
