You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
