White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
