I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
