life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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