my mouth tastes like poor choices
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
