Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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