how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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