I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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