The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
