it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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