The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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