A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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