Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
