I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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