She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
