I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
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Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This is classic penis vs brain.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.