My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
