No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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