You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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