tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
