I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
