my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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