Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
