His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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