Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I will pee on everything he values.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
