Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
