So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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