I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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