I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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