My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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