I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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