In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
