Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
