I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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