i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
