Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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