I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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