you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
