a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
