Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize