How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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