How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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