i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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