he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
