Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
